Emotional growth

Ever have one of those moments when you can feel an emotional growth spurt within you so strongly that it's as though something is actually coursing through your bones and forcing you to expand? It's painful, sometimes excruciatingly so, but afterwards there's just exhaustion and, of course, tearful gratitude. Then, things are never the same again. Okay, life, what's next? I'm ready.

Longing for fearlessness

Recently, I have been challenging myself to face some deeper fears that I possess. I have felt such determination to conquer them, yet I am finding that, as always, it is not easy. Time and again, I go back to the questions, "Why not live fearlessly? What am I really risking if I walk through these fears? What is the worst that could happen?"

Indeed, in pondering these questions, what is the worst that could happen? Would I find myself alone? No, I don't think so. Death? Well, as my father has reminded me at various times, "No one gets out of here alive." Will people not like me? Will people be upset with me? Perhaps, but then what does that mean? Maybe those people shouldn't be in my life anyway. Will I fail or make a mistake? Possibly, but then what does that mean? At least I tried and had an experience. Will I feel pain? It is painful to be hindered by the fear anyway, so better that the pain come from courage than from hiding out in safety. 

In all of the ways there is to look at fear, what always comes to the surface is that it is better to walk through it than to succumb to it. May I be a bit braver with each passing day. May I remember that there really is nothing to fear.

My latest artwork

Untitled (2012)

1000 Oceans

Sometimes over the years, when I have been sad about something, I have gone back to listen to the unbelievable song by Tori Amos called "1000 Oceans." It allows me to feel my grief, while still keeping in touch with the love underneath it all. Recently, when searching for it on You Tube, I came across a cover of it being sung by the 2009 Chorus of PS22 - a school in Staten Island, NY. The song itself is incredible, but to hear it sung by the voices of these children touches my heart in an even deeper place.

Turns out that this wonderful chorus has performed amazing versions of many different songs over the years. Bless their music teacher, Gregg Breinberg, whose passion, talent, and care has helped them blossom. You can find out more about them and listen to their other songs by visiting the PS22 Chorus Blog.

My artwork

Untitled sketch (1999)

"The world's mine oyster..."

"There is nothing that you cannot be, or do, or have." (Hicks) 

In my life, I have had a few spiritual experiences. Okay, that's a lie, I have had a ton of spiritual experiences (most of which I didn't notice, but that's what life is - one big spiritual experience). What I am referring to, though, are those knock you down, in the moment realizations that you are inarguably, absolutely, unequivocally part of the spirit of the universe and that all has always been, is, and always will be alright. In those moments, I feel so calm and serene, and wish that I could live all my hours in that state. However, in general, I spend the bulk of my existence engaged in this activity or that and forget that I am joined with that great spirit. Although, the amount of time that I live within the consciousness of it is growing. It's far more common to find me taking a mindful approach to something now than it ever was in the past. 

As the days go by, I can see just how much of my experience depends on my beliefs about the universe and that great undercurrent of all there is. When I choose to think in small, negative, fear-based ways and am detached from that consciousness, my experience is never helped. Regardless of the outcome and whether it is what I originally wanted, thinking positively about it and cradling myself with the faith that things are forever perfect and just as they should be allows me to flow through life the way I know I am supposed to.

The more I do this, the more I realize that I am only limited by myself. I have finally boiled down what I want out of life to things that are entirely emotional in nature. For example, I want to experience the constant undercurrent of the joy in life. Or, I want to learn how to love myself and others as purely as possible in order to experience love in its truest form. Or, yet another, I want to live life like it is a safe adventure, with nothing to fear. I may want to express these longings in certain ways, but ultimately the goal is emotional.

The limits come when I expect my dreams to be realized and pan out in scenarios of my own choosing. When I think they are manifesting, I get the itch to try and make them happen, instead of just letting them unfold. The limits also come when I choose fear over faith. This is the big one, right? Fear - it's such a crippling power. I would be more free to experience life as it should be experienced, and all my dreams could be realized in an instant with the smashing of these two hindrances. What an ultimate goal. As Shakespeare wrote, "The world's mine oyster, which I with sword will open." Today, it's all of ours for the taking. The "it" being anything you could possibly want.

My artwork

Untitled (Circa 2001)

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, the official start of the holiday season, and I absolutely love the holiday season. My favorite, hands down, is Christmas. I'm a sucker for glitter, and lights, and, most of all, love.  Unfortunately, for the last six weeks I have been sick. First it was an inflamed larynx, and now a sinus infection. I am not at all fibbing when I tell you that I have never in my thirty years of existence been sick for this length of time. However, I am also not fibbing when I tell you that I believe everything happens for a reason. At this particular moment in my life, I am sure, for several reasons, that I am supposed to be seriously slowing down and taking care of myself first, and I have to confess that even with being sick, I haven't been fully doing this. So, the Universe has a funny way of making things happen sometimes.

As a result of being run-down and ill, I will not be traveling to visit my family tomorrow, nor will I be going to anyone else's festivities; I'm simply not able to really function and am in dire need of rest. I admit I am nervous to be alone tomorrow. However, I have to remind myself that there are places nearby I can go if I so desire, and families I can join if I suddenly feel well. More importantly though, I need to remind myself that simply because I may be physically alone on Thanksgiving, that doesn't mean that I will be emotionally alone, it doesn't mean I am not loved, and it especially doesn't mean that I will be spiritually alone. If you are celebrating your gratitude in solitude as well, I believe this is the same for all of us.

Therefore, on this Thanksgiving, I am choosing to remind myself of how grateful I am that love exists as a guidepost in my life. I'm forever trying to stay guided by it ("trying" being the key word as I'm only human!) It is this that has allowed me to have amazing relationships with people and to continue to grow and have even better relationships as a result. Loving connections and relationships are what it's all about anyway. 

Have a beautiful holiday, and let us all remember what we are grateful for.

Today's quote

"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky." (Rabindranath Tagore)

Several years ago, to me, life seemed like a succession of painful occurrences, or storms, dotted with tiny bits of hyperactivity and elation. My perception of reality was totally screwed up, and I couldn't seem to figure out how to be happy or calm. Then, I finally found a way. Since then, life has become a series of moments, some up, some down, some in between, but all contributing to a greater sense of peace and contentment. 

The "clouds" of life these days help me practice acceptance and love, the sunshine helps me practice gratitude, and all of it helps me to grow. Sometimes a shift in perception and the willingness to see and do things differently can take you in a completely new direction. If you are feeling lost or unhappy, "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find." This quote has not been repeated a trillion times for nothing. Time and time again, those who truly ask and seek, do find. The answers probably won't come to you in the way that you think, but they will come in whatever way you can take them in (this is why there are a million forms of spiritual discovery), because we are all meant to be happy and know love.

Today, I thank the Universe for my life and hope that I can do a lot of good with it.

My artwork

Self-Esteem (Circa 2001)