Monday, March 21, 2011

Can my heart break if it is only made of atoms?

Years ago, maybe nine years as an estimate, I created a mixed-media painting (oil, acrylic, and pen and ink). It was probably the best painting I've ever made. It showed organic shapes elegantly exploding from the epicenter of the painting in brilliant jewel tones of deep rouge, emerald, and golden yellow. The tones were gradually blended throughout each shape from darker tones on the inside and slightly lighter shades towards the edge. Within each shape where circle, scale-like, ink lines, drawn many times, almost lining the inside edges of parts of the shapes. 

I really loved that piece of art because I felt like it totally depicted what I eventually knew to be true, and the title is a clear indicator that somewhere, deep inside, a part of me knew what the rest of me didn't. The title of the piece became, "Can My Heart Break if it is Only Made of Atoms?" The truth is, no, my heart wouldn't be able to break if it was only made of atoms. Of course it is not only made of particles of energy, invisible to the eye. That's not what any of this world only is at all. At a time in my life when things felt quite difficult and I was lost, I knew deep down that there was more. I just hadn't found it yet. That's what that painting represented to me - the "more," the "deeper meaning," "God," "our inner light."

I don't know where that painting is now. I gave it to someone a long time ago, and I didn't even get a picture of it first - silly me! Realistically, it is probably in a dump somewhere, and that's okay. I now realize that the material part of it is not what is important...I could even probably recreate it, to a certain extent, if I really wanted to. What is important, however, as a dear friend of mine made me realize, is the meaning behind that painting, why I miss it, and what I've learned from it, then, while creating it, and now, while looking back.

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