Wednesday, March 16, 2011

It'll all be perfect then

The last six years of my life have consisted of an amount of growth I was not sure I was capable of until after it occurred. I realized that happiness comes from within, not without. With that conceptual understanding, these past years have been about slowly really comprehending fully what that means, and aligning my being and life with that reality. The reality that happiness is being one with God, the light that is the true us. Everything else can be used as an opportunity to either move closer to God, or further away and perhaps the hope that we will use it to move closer to God is what it is all here for.

With this life-altering realization, I was never the same. I also understood that my whole reality was askew. I was on the constant search for something that would make me finally feel the happiness I had always craved. I'll be happy when I lose twenty pounds. I'll be happy when I fall in love with the one of my dreams. I'll be happy when I get away from my family. I'll be happy when I move to New York City. I'll be happy when I'm famous. I'll be happy when? It was a question I was always trying to answer, but could never find the answer to.

So, after the most significant spiritual experience of my life, I thought that I had broken the spell. I knew that there was no "I'll be happy when." Happiness was now, I knew. It's interesting though... A discovery can feel so urgently potent and uniquely wise. It can feel like you have found the answer. The funny thing is that there is often more.

Granted, some earthly human souls seem to have a moment of enlightenment, and then understand what can't be made to understand. However, most of us seem to have a slower journey, and I am one of those souls. I thought that I knew what mattered. I couldn't express it, but the fact was that I realized somewhere deep inside of me (that didn't have a place) that no "thing" mattered. It felt like the deepest form of love was all that there truly was in the world. It was this deep love for everything. Everyone. The volcanoes, earthquakes, angry people on the train, screaming teenagers, bills. All of it. Everything just seemed to be and any other reactions disappeared. Everything made me smile because somehow I felt that only love was real, though I couldn't explain it, and don't come close to doing it now.

Although that experience did not propel me into that state permanently, that moment of clarity and understanding did place me on a spiritual journey that I am so grateful for. The moment of recognition is still within me, and lesson after lesson, I feel that I am moving further and further towards light and permanent inner peace.

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